Lately I've been lamenting my lack of girlfriends. I don't deserve any sympathy because this problem is completely of my own making. Even before I had KJ I had trouble making many girls' nights out. With my time-intensive job and long commute, most working women were calling it a night before I was anywhere close to home.
And then I had KJ. Nothing else changed in my life - I still found my friends engaging and interesting and wanted to spend time with them - but every potential outing meant time away from my baby. And time was already precious enough as it was. Between working and commuting and KJ's 8 o'clock bedtime, my only chance to really spend time with KJ - or Husband - was on the weekends. So I tried to make the most of that. But sadly, that meant I saw my friends even less.
When I worked at a large firm, my lack of local girlfriends was easier to ignore. I worked with a lot of intelligent, engaging women. Several had kids right around the same time I did, so our struggles were similar. We had a lot to talk about, and a built-in support group who understood things like the need for emergency back-up care and need to negotiate after-hour events with one's husband. These women understood the need for 9-5 friends, with no outside of work time commitment required. Of course, as we all moved our separate ways we've kept in touch. But without seeing each other every day at work, our contact has (understandably) waned.
Even when I first started at my current firm the lack of women wasn't so bad. I quickly became good friends with the other woman attorney, and found we had a lot in common. She had kids both older and younger than mine, and brought a much needed fresh perspective to my working mom life. I felt so lucky to have her. But then she left. And now, for months, I've been all alone.
It shouldn't be a big deal to be the only woman at my job. The guys treat me well, and they generally are as understanding about family obligations as they can be. But I've found that they just can't take the place of another woman. And the fact that I now have no women friends at work or at home just leaves me feeling sad and lonely.
As I said when I started this post - I know this is my fault. I need to make time to get together with the girls. But weekdays are truly impossible - I often don't get home until close to 8 - and weekends require coordinating around at least two separate families' kid and personal obligations. Even on our best weekends I barely have time to do anything for myself (e.g., I had to cancel a hair appointment this weekend that I've had for ten weeks). The thought of carving out a couple of hours seems almost impossible.
Am I the only working mom that feels that way? That I've given up all of my friends so that I can be a working mom? Am I just a bad friend, or are the other moms out there sympathetic to my position? Do they understand that I do want to know what's happening in their lives and I do want to see them, but that Facebook messages and twice-yearly visits are the best that I can do right now? I'm obviously hoping for the latter, and that my friends are forgiving. Because I do care about them and miss them more than I can express.
Karen
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Friday, July 22, 2011
By My Side
This weekend Husband and I are traveling to attend the wedding reception for my best-friend-since-fourth grade's wedding. I posted about her actual wedding earlier this year, when she eloped on a cruise. I was (and still am) very happy for her and glad that she found a guy as great as she is to share her life with. This weekend is sure to be a celebration.
One of the great things about weddings (and new babies) is that they make you think of your own wedding (or baby). They invite you to remember when you were so in love and how exciting that time was for you. Weddings bring back a flood of memories of a time that was very special in your own life, and help you share in the new couple's excitement. You remember exactly how they feel, and how special that is. So as I've been thinking about what I want to say at my friend's reception, I've also been thinking about my own wedding. How much I wanted to marry Husband. How happy our family was for us. And how wonderful each and every one of our friends were during that time in our lives. Especially my bridesmaids.
I am not a good girl friend. I don't like all the catty girl drama that seems to go along with every group of four or more girls, and thus I've never had a lot of girl friends. I've always had only a close friend or two. And even then, I'm not particularly good at picking girl friends. Case in point: a girl I considered one of my closest friends throughout college and law school refused to be in my wedding because I asked a different friend (the one with the reception this weekend) to be my maid of honor. Not really a good friend. And I'm certain I was a difficult bride. But somehow, I ended up with the four most kind, beautiful, forgiving and generous women by my side that day. Women who truly supported me. Women who truly were - and still are - my friends.
I am so grateful for those women. Not only did they buy expensive dresses they will never again be able to wear without complaint, but they helped me. Not just during the wedding (although they all did plenty of that - without complaint) - they helped me with life. One friend helped me navigate a particularly difficult time in my marriage, giving me advice on how to have a marriage while working opposite shifts, and provided an amazing example of love and dedication as her own husband was deployed overseas. One called me every day of my maternity leave with Sweet Pea to help me combat the isolation and overwhelming responsibility I felt taking care of two children under 2. And the other two, well, they've just been there for me for as long as I can remember. I can't imagine not having them in my life. I truly am so blessed to have them as friends.
So today, as I plan my speech to honor my oldest friend, I am also thinking about the four amazing women who stood by my side all those years ago and vowed to help Husband and I on our own journey of marriage. You have all lived up to your promise - and then some. Thank you for all that you did and continue to do for me. You are amazing friends, and amazing women. You are true examples of the kind of friend I hope to someday be.
Karen
One of the great things about weddings (and new babies) is that they make you think of your own wedding (or baby). They invite you to remember when you were so in love and how exciting that time was for you. Weddings bring back a flood of memories of a time that was very special in your own life, and help you share in the new couple's excitement. You remember exactly how they feel, and how special that is. So as I've been thinking about what I want to say at my friend's reception, I've also been thinking about my own wedding. How much I wanted to marry Husband. How happy our family was for us. And how wonderful each and every one of our friends were during that time in our lives. Especially my bridesmaids.
I am not a good girl friend. I don't like all the catty girl drama that seems to go along with every group of four or more girls, and thus I've never had a lot of girl friends. I've always had only a close friend or two. And even then, I'm not particularly good at picking girl friends. Case in point: a girl I considered one of my closest friends throughout college and law school refused to be in my wedding because I asked a different friend (the one with the reception this weekend) to be my maid of honor. Not really a good friend. And I'm certain I was a difficult bride. But somehow, I ended up with the four most kind, beautiful, forgiving and generous women by my side that day. Women who truly supported me. Women who truly were - and still are - my friends.
I am so grateful for those women. Not only did they buy expensive dresses they will never again be able to wear without complaint, but they helped me. Not just during the wedding (although they all did plenty of that - without complaint) - they helped me with life. One friend helped me navigate a particularly difficult time in my marriage, giving me advice on how to have a marriage while working opposite shifts, and provided an amazing example of love and dedication as her own husband was deployed overseas. One called me every day of my maternity leave with Sweet Pea to help me combat the isolation and overwhelming responsibility I felt taking care of two children under 2. And the other two, well, they've just been there for me for as long as I can remember. I can't imagine not having them in my life. I truly am so blessed to have them as friends.
So today, as I plan my speech to honor my oldest friend, I am also thinking about the four amazing women who stood by my side all those years ago and vowed to help Husband and I on our own journey of marriage. You have all lived up to your promise - and then some. Thank you for all that you did and continue to do for me. You are amazing friends, and amazing women. You are true examples of the kind of friend I hope to someday be.
Karen
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Birthday Party Etiquette?
So if you haven't noticed, I've been having technical difficulties with the site lately. On Friday I posted, but it showed up as posted on March 11. There already was a March 11 post, so yesterday, I tried to move that post to today. But instead of posting today, that post was posted over Mandi's post yesterday. Oy vey. In the end I deleted the post entirely, believing that the universe was sending me a sign that that post was not meant to be. So here I am today, onto a new topic and hoping for better results!
This weekend, KJ attended a friend's birthday party. While my kids have been to friend birthday parties before, this one was a little different for us in that it was the first "stranger" birthday party. The birthday girl was a friend of KJ's from daycare. That meant Husband and I didn't really know the girl, and didn't know the girl's parents.
Of course, this was bound to happen. At some time all kids get invited to a birthday party where the parents don't really know each other. It's part of growing up. But this was our first such invite, so with it came a bunch of new hurdles. For example, the party was 30 miles away - and Sweet Pea wasn't invited. I wasn't bothered that Sweet Pea wasn't invited. There was no reason for her to be invited. The birthday girl was KJ's friend, not Sweet Pea's. And while I knew birthday girl's mom knew that Sweet Pea existed (Sweet Pea and birthday girl's sibling are in the same daycare room), that didn't result in an automatic invite for Sweet Pea in my book. Birthday parties are expensive, often with a cap on the number of kids that can come. Birthday girl should have her friends there, not her friend's siblings.
At least, that's what I thought until I actually went to the party. After leaving behind a sobbing Sweet Pea, we arrived at the party only to find that we were the only family not to have brought along a sibling. Siblings were so pervasivee that KJ actually came up to me during the party and told me that he missed Sweet Pea. I guess I should have emailed birthday girl's mom and asked if Sweet Pea could come along. I felt terribly guilty for not doing so. The worst birthday girl's mom could have told me was no. I totally would have respected that. And if I had been in birthday girl's mom's shoes, as long as it wasn't overly expensive or impossible to accommodate, I would have totally welcomed a sibling. I should have asked.
Then, there was the present. KJ and I literally talked about birthday girl's present for weeks. As I've stated, Husband and I didn't really know birthday girl, and we didn't know her parents. So when it came time to buy her a present, all I had to go on was KJ's word as to what birthday girl liked. Thankfully, he said Barbie, which seemed reasonable, and we went on a special trip to the store to pick out a gift for his friend. In the end, we found a (what I thought was) super cool Barbie drawing toy. KJ was SO excited to give it to his friend. So I made a big deal about how he had to keep it a secret from her until her party, and then he could watch her open it.
Except, she never did. As we walked into the party, all of the guests put their presents in a dumpster. At the end of the party, birthday girl's dad just rolled that dumpster out to their SUV. Birthday girl didn't open one single gift at the party. KJ was disappointed, and so was I. He had waited days (which to a three year old feels like an eternity) to give his friend something that he picked out especially for her. And then, he didn't really ever get to "give" it to her. And he didn't get to make her happy. Which he was pretty excited about. And, in my opinion, by not opening presents at her party, birthday girl missed an opportunity to learn about gratitude and giving thanks. Some things that I think are pretty important.
When I came to work on Monday I asked my colleagues with kids about the not-opening-gifts-at-the-party thing, and it seems like this is a common North Shore practice. But it still just doesn't sit well with me. Kids should learn about being grateful and expressing thanks. And there are few better feelings in the world than watching someone open something you gave them and truly loving it. I want my kids to get to experience both. So while it may make my kids freaks in the future, when they start having birthday parties, it'll include opening gifts. And it will include giving thanks.
What's the practice in your area? Gifts opened at the party or no? Automatic sibling invites, or party faux pas? Anything else I should be on the lookout for as we delve into the world of friend birthday parties?
Karen
This weekend, KJ attended a friend's birthday party. While my kids have been to friend birthday parties before, this one was a little different for us in that it was the first "stranger" birthday party. The birthday girl was a friend of KJ's from daycare. That meant Husband and I didn't really know the girl, and didn't know the girl's parents.
Of course, this was bound to happen. At some time all kids get invited to a birthday party where the parents don't really know each other. It's part of growing up. But this was our first such invite, so with it came a bunch of new hurdles. For example, the party was 30 miles away - and Sweet Pea wasn't invited. I wasn't bothered that Sweet Pea wasn't invited. There was no reason for her to be invited. The birthday girl was KJ's friend, not Sweet Pea's. And while I knew birthday girl's mom knew that Sweet Pea existed (Sweet Pea and birthday girl's sibling are in the same daycare room), that didn't result in an automatic invite for Sweet Pea in my book. Birthday parties are expensive, often with a cap on the number of kids that can come. Birthday girl should have her friends there, not her friend's siblings.
At least, that's what I thought until I actually went to the party. After leaving behind a sobbing Sweet Pea, we arrived at the party only to find that we were the only family not to have brought along a sibling. Siblings were so pervasivee that KJ actually came up to me during the party and told me that he missed Sweet Pea. I guess I should have emailed birthday girl's mom and asked if Sweet Pea could come along. I felt terribly guilty for not doing so. The worst birthday girl's mom could have told me was no. I totally would have respected that. And if I had been in birthday girl's mom's shoes, as long as it wasn't overly expensive or impossible to accommodate, I would have totally welcomed a sibling. I should have asked.
Then, there was the present. KJ and I literally talked about birthday girl's present for weeks. As I've stated, Husband and I didn't really know birthday girl, and we didn't know her parents. So when it came time to buy her a present, all I had to go on was KJ's word as to what birthday girl liked. Thankfully, he said Barbie, which seemed reasonable, and we went on a special trip to the store to pick out a gift for his friend. In the end, we found a (what I thought was) super cool Barbie drawing toy. KJ was SO excited to give it to his friend. So I made a big deal about how he had to keep it a secret from her until her party, and then he could watch her open it.
Except, she never did. As we walked into the party, all of the guests put their presents in a dumpster. At the end of the party, birthday girl's dad just rolled that dumpster out to their SUV. Birthday girl didn't open one single gift at the party. KJ was disappointed, and so was I. He had waited days (which to a three year old feels like an eternity) to give his friend something that he picked out especially for her. And then, he didn't really ever get to "give" it to her. And he didn't get to make her happy. Which he was pretty excited about. And, in my opinion, by not opening presents at her party, birthday girl missed an opportunity to learn about gratitude and giving thanks. Some things that I think are pretty important.
When I came to work on Monday I asked my colleagues with kids about the not-opening-gifts-at-the-party thing, and it seems like this is a common North Shore practice. But it still just doesn't sit well with me. Kids should learn about being grateful and expressing thanks. And there are few better feelings in the world than watching someone open something you gave them and truly loving it. I want my kids to get to experience both. So while it may make my kids freaks in the future, when they start having birthday parties, it'll include opening gifts. And it will include giving thanks.
What's the practice in your area? Gifts opened at the party or no? Automatic sibling invites, or party faux pas? Anything else I should be on the lookout for as we delve into the world of friend birthday parties?
Karen
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Keep In Touch
I think everyone writes that at the end of a letter (or nowadays, email). I know I do. And, for the most part, I mean it. And most of the time, I fully intend to do just that. Unfortunately, a little problem arises…a problem called time.
*Disclaimer – the “most part” and “most of the time” is meant for those casual acquaintances or business partners that you had to work with, and don’t have any basis to continue the relationship.*
With all of today’s technology, you would think I would be better at keeping in touch. A quick email there, a short “hello” on Facebook – these should be helpful tools, not burdens, right? Unfortunately, sometimes I feel like my brief connect could be construed as a weak attempt to reconnect or a little too late thought.
I would like to think that I am a great friend/family member/co-worker, but honestly, I am selfish with my time. When I have “free” time (and most of you know this is a mirage!), I am actually trying to do stuff for ME! Yep, Year of the Mommy continues, albeit on a much smaller scale than I had hoped. But with the weather getting warmer, a free moment for me means my iPod and a run/walk. Or outside grilling out and watching A & B play in our yard, while soaking up the sun!
For the people I would like to reconnect with, I feel that a short conversation or email is not enough. But I also am not sure what to say other than “Hey, how’s it going?” or “What have you been up to in the last XX years?” Plus, it is not like I have a multitude of exciting things to mention in summary for the last XX years.
Now, this isn’t a pity or a try and alleviate my guilt post. I would really like to know your thoughts on how to get and keep in touch!
And to those wonderful people I have lost touch with, please know that I think of you often and wish we could sit down over a piece of pie and talk.
Jean Anne
*Disclaimer – the “most part” and “most of the time” is meant for those casual acquaintances or business partners that you had to work with, and don’t have any basis to continue the relationship.*
With all of today’s technology, you would think I would be better at keeping in touch. A quick email there, a short “hello” on Facebook – these should be helpful tools, not burdens, right? Unfortunately, sometimes I feel like my brief connect could be construed as a weak attempt to reconnect or a little too late thought.
I would like to think that I am a great friend/family member/co-worker, but honestly, I am selfish with my time. When I have “free” time (and most of you know this is a mirage!), I am actually trying to do stuff for ME! Yep, Year of the Mommy continues, albeit on a much smaller scale than I had hoped. But with the weather getting warmer, a free moment for me means my iPod and a run/walk. Or outside grilling out and watching A & B play in our yard, while soaking up the sun!
For the people I would like to reconnect with, I feel that a short conversation or email is not enough. But I also am not sure what to say other than “Hey, how’s it going?” or “What have you been up to in the last XX years?” Plus, it is not like I have a multitude of exciting things to mention in summary for the last XX years.
Now, this isn’t a pity or a try and alleviate my guilt post. I would really like to know your thoughts on how to get and keep in touch!
And to those wonderful people I have lost touch with, please know that I think of you often and wish we could sit down over a piece of pie and talk.
Jean Anne
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Girls Night
This week in my life I have something really special to look forward to. Tomorrow night a rarity in my life is going to occur…I’m going out for Girls Night. Yes, I’m going to head out for a few hours with my friends and enjoy being Mandi instead of Mommy. I’m so excited.
A couple years ago, I joined Facebook. When I did I came back in touch with people from my hometown of Princeton, Illinois. It was amazing finding people that I hadn’t seen or heard from in years.
In the midst of all the Friend Requests and Wall Posts, a small group started to form. Several girls I knew when I was younger started talking. We planned girls’ nights, play-dates, and kept actively involved in each other’s lives on Facebook. What amazed me the most is these are not the girls that I hung out with the most when I was in school. These are not those friends who vowed to me in yearbook entries “Best Friends Forever” or “We’ll always be together”. Yet here we are.
And what is even more amazing is when I’m with them, I feel like the years we spent apart never happened. We’re becoming closer now than we ever were, we are supporting each other, and we are making the decision to form a little crew amidst our crazy lives. A motley crew maybe…but a crew none the less!
So we set apart times to get together and just be us…to almost step back in time and just be silly girls from a small town together. When I’m with them I don’t have to worry about billable hour requirements, if I’m doing all I can for my kids, the stress I’ve been under as a partner, the grind of the day to day life of being a working Mom. I check all that at the door and just catch up and laugh.
I have a few circles of friends. My best friends (who I shouldn’t even call my friends as they are my sisters), my work friends, my daycare friends…but there is something really special about this new circle that has formed. I am learning from these girls that it is 100% true what they say about the older you get the more you need people who knew you when you were younger. The people I meet in my life now just know me as J, H, and L’s Mom, Todd’s wife, or a partner at my law firm. But when I’m with these girls…I’m Mandi. Period. They knew me when I was young, they know my history, they know the beginning of my story. I think that is what makes them so able to understand and support the chapter I am in my life now. It’s hard to pick up a book in the middle of a story and really grasp the storyline…but the people who have read the entire story appreciate where you are now, because they saw where you started out. And because they have read the entire book so far (even though they have to catch up on some parts they missed), they are more apt to want to stick with you and see how the story ends.
So to my Princeton girls: I hope you all know how much our new circle means to me. I’m not sure how we all made it back to each other, but I am certainly glad we did. I love that we are raising our kids to know each other, I love that we can vent to each other, I am so happy we are making our friendship a priority. And perhaps most of all, I am SO happy we are going to LaGrotto’s tomorrow…oh how I have missed that pizza!!
Mandi
A couple years ago, I joined Facebook. When I did I came back in touch with people from my hometown of Princeton, Illinois. It was amazing finding people that I hadn’t seen or heard from in years.
In the midst of all the Friend Requests and Wall Posts, a small group started to form. Several girls I knew when I was younger started talking. We planned girls’ nights, play-dates, and kept actively involved in each other’s lives on Facebook. What amazed me the most is these are not the girls that I hung out with the most when I was in school. These are not those friends who vowed to me in yearbook entries “Best Friends Forever” or “We’ll always be together”. Yet here we are.
And what is even more amazing is when I’m with them, I feel like the years we spent apart never happened. We’re becoming closer now than we ever were, we are supporting each other, and we are making the decision to form a little crew amidst our crazy lives. A motley crew maybe…but a crew none the less!
So we set apart times to get together and just be us…to almost step back in time and just be silly girls from a small town together. When I’m with them I don’t have to worry about billable hour requirements, if I’m doing all I can for my kids, the stress I’ve been under as a partner, the grind of the day to day life of being a working Mom. I check all that at the door and just catch up and laugh.
I have a few circles of friends. My best friends (who I shouldn’t even call my friends as they are my sisters), my work friends, my daycare friends…but there is something really special about this new circle that has formed. I am learning from these girls that it is 100% true what they say about the older you get the more you need people who knew you when you were younger. The people I meet in my life now just know me as J, H, and L’s Mom, Todd’s wife, or a partner at my law firm. But when I’m with these girls…I’m Mandi. Period. They knew me when I was young, they know my history, they know the beginning of my story. I think that is what makes them so able to understand and support the chapter I am in my life now. It’s hard to pick up a book in the middle of a story and really grasp the storyline…but the people who have read the entire story appreciate where you are now, because they saw where you started out. And because they have read the entire book so far (even though they have to catch up on some parts they missed), they are more apt to want to stick with you and see how the story ends.
So to my Princeton girls: I hope you all know how much our new circle means to me. I’m not sure how we all made it back to each other, but I am certainly glad we did. I love that we are raising our kids to know each other, I love that we can vent to each other, I am so happy we are making our friendship a priority. And perhaps most of all, I am SO happy we are going to LaGrotto’s tomorrow…oh how I have missed that pizza!!
Mandi
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Working Mom Friends
First of all, I want to thank Stephanie for stepping in for me last week when I was overwhelmed at work and unable to even think about the blog. Not only was her blog interesting, but it came at a time where I needed just one little thing in my life to let up. Thank you, Stephanie, for making that happen. I hope we hear more from you.
Every working mom needs a network of friends including people like Stephanie - friends with older kids who can tell you tips like how to get your kid in morning kindergarten or whether you should be on the standard or premium insurance plan if you plan to have another baby. Friends who tell you the truth about whether a part-time plan will work, or whether generic diapers will actually save you money. Friends who will drop off a Laurie Berkner dvd for your kids so that you can have 30 minutes to make dinner without wearing one of them in the Baby Bjorn or stopping repeatedly to end World War III.
Working mom friends are the friends who truly get what it is like to walk in your shoes. Who know what it feels like to be responsible for both bringing home the bacon and frying it up in a pan. Who understand when you take a vacation day to go through your kids' clothes or catch up on baby books. They are the moms who know what it is like to not see your child for days at a time. Whose hearts have also broken when their sick child called out for Daddy instead of them. They know the impact a profession can have on a marriage. They are the friends who will never call you up to see if you want to go shopping or see a movie. They know that in the world of working mom there is no time for anything other than those two things: working or being mom.
Our networks of working mom friends are basically networks of people who have been there, done that and are willing to share. And through some Stockholm-syndrome type thing, these working moms become the friends we lean on and learn from the most.
In the legal world, this is astounding. Law is a profession that is known for competition and backstabbing. As a woman nears or enters partnership, the importance of being awarded origination or responsibility credit often takes precedent over being a mentor or friend. So the fact that there are women lawyers anywhere willing to take an hour of their time to help make the path for another woman a little easier is amazing, and deserves recognition.
I certainly have been lucky to have such women in my life. I have friends like Stephanie, who write emergency blogs. Lisa, who left me the dvd. The JD Moms, whose emails pulled me through KJ's second day of day care. Laura, who understood my decision to exchange money for the promise of time. Jen, who put her kid in daycare so I was no longer the freak who didn't have a nanny (ok, so that's not why she chose daycare, but it certainly was nice having someone who understood how daycare kids are sick all the time that first year).
In honor of these women, and the million more out there who support us all each day, I encourage all of you to post a piece of advice or insight or story about something another working mom did or said to you that made your path a little easier. And I invite each of you to do something today to reach out to your fellow working mom. Something that may seem trivial to you, could mean the world to that overworked, under-rested, slightly sick working mom down the hall.
Karen
Every working mom needs a network of friends including people like Stephanie - friends with older kids who can tell you tips like how to get your kid in morning kindergarten or whether you should be on the standard or premium insurance plan if you plan to have another baby. Friends who tell you the truth about whether a part-time plan will work, or whether generic diapers will actually save you money. Friends who will drop off a Laurie Berkner dvd for your kids so that you can have 30 minutes to make dinner without wearing one of them in the Baby Bjorn or stopping repeatedly to end World War III.
Working mom friends are the friends who truly get what it is like to walk in your shoes. Who know what it feels like to be responsible for both bringing home the bacon and frying it up in a pan. Who understand when you take a vacation day to go through your kids' clothes or catch up on baby books. They are the moms who know what it is like to not see your child for days at a time. Whose hearts have also broken when their sick child called out for Daddy instead of them. They know the impact a profession can have on a marriage. They are the friends who will never call you up to see if you want to go shopping or see a movie. They know that in the world of working mom there is no time for anything other than those two things: working or being mom.
Our networks of working mom friends are basically networks of people who have been there, done that and are willing to share. And through some Stockholm-syndrome type thing, these working moms become the friends we lean on and learn from the most.
In the legal world, this is astounding. Law is a profession that is known for competition and backstabbing. As a woman nears or enters partnership, the importance of being awarded origination or responsibility credit often takes precedent over being a mentor or friend. So the fact that there are women lawyers anywhere willing to take an hour of their time to help make the path for another woman a little easier is amazing, and deserves recognition.
I certainly have been lucky to have such women in my life. I have friends like Stephanie, who write emergency blogs. Lisa, who left me the dvd. The JD Moms, whose emails pulled me through KJ's second day of day care. Laura, who understood my decision to exchange money for the promise of time. Jen, who put her kid in daycare so I was no longer the freak who didn't have a nanny (ok, so that's not why she chose daycare, but it certainly was nice having someone who understood how daycare kids are sick all the time that first year).
In honor of these women, and the million more out there who support us all each day, I encourage all of you to post a piece of advice or insight or story about something another working mom did or said to you that made your path a little easier. And I invite each of you to do something today to reach out to your fellow working mom. Something that may seem trivial to you, could mean the world to that overworked, under-rested, slightly sick working mom down the hall.
Karen
Monday, January 10, 2011
Why Am I So Afraid?
To start this week off, I was all set to write about my New Year's resolutions, but I had a strange moment in the middle of my daughters' winter dance show, that I just needed to write about. Plus, let's be honest, I have already put off most of my resolutions, so putting off writing about them for another post is pretty much par for the course. But I digress....
As a proud mommy, sitting in the high school auditorium with her camera ready and making sure that her hubby had fully charged the video camera, I was prepping for my daughters' utterly adorable dance. But since their group was 8th in the lineup, I sat through cute performances by other kids in their dance "studio". But then, a performance was announced that made me stop. It was the "Dance Mom's Dance" (dancing to Jock Jams).
This is a special class open to any mom whose child is in dance. From the looks of the size of the class, approximately 25 to 30 moms chose to participate. And they looked like they were having fun, as they wore football jerseys and black yoga pants. And of course, at this point, my hubby and my dad asked me "why aren't you up there?"
As I sat there watching these moms, I didn't have a great answer. It was one night a week for 6 weeks, at a time I could attend (6:45 to 7:30 PM), and close to home. Plus, watching the dance moves and ability of some of the moms on stage, I think I could do that. (FYI - I have been practicing my dance moves with the girls by playing Just Dance 2 on the Wii! - Ha!). Why couldn't I have taken this time out for some "me" time? My kids would have been ok for less than 1 hour a week without me, and my hubby would have supported me. So what was holding me back?
I was scared. Yes, at 32 years old, I would have felt like the new kid in junior high asking to sit at the cool kids' table. The ironic/funny thing is, in my work life, I have absolutely no trouble giving presentations to senior management, running meetings with outside business partners, or managing team members. In fact, most of my job depends on my abilities to mediate difficult situations, give presentations, and, basically, be a leader for my team.
So, I quickly whispered to my hubby, "this is why I need my best friend to live closer." And he just smiled and nodded. Because he understood how I felt the night we went to dance pictures. The stay-at-home moms huddled in a group, talking and laughing; sharing plans to meet for coffee and play dates, and there I was, still in my dress clothes from work, trying to get my girls' hair up and shoes on, as I had just rushed from a late meeting at the office. (And yes, I am a little jealous of stay at home moms :)!)
But as I sit here and write this tonight, I still wonder why I am so scared. And, yes, many of you can dive into childhood insecurities, but for the most part, I don't have many bad memories from growing up. Maybe joining a new group should be another New Year's resolution?
I hope everyone has a wonderful week!
Jean Anne
As a proud mommy, sitting in the high school auditorium with her camera ready and making sure that her hubby had fully charged the video camera, I was prepping for my daughters' utterly adorable dance. But since their group was 8th in the lineup, I sat through cute performances by other kids in their dance "studio". But then, a performance was announced that made me stop. It was the "Dance Mom's Dance" (dancing to Jock Jams).
This is a special class open to any mom whose child is in dance. From the looks of the size of the class, approximately 25 to 30 moms chose to participate. And they looked like they were having fun, as they wore football jerseys and black yoga pants. And of course, at this point, my hubby and my dad asked me "why aren't you up there?"
As I sat there watching these moms, I didn't have a great answer. It was one night a week for 6 weeks, at a time I could attend (6:45 to 7:30 PM), and close to home. Plus, watching the dance moves and ability of some of the moms on stage, I think I could do that. (FYI - I have been practicing my dance moves with the girls by playing Just Dance 2 on the Wii! - Ha!). Why couldn't I have taken this time out for some "me" time? My kids would have been ok for less than 1 hour a week without me, and my hubby would have supported me. So what was holding me back?
I was scared. Yes, at 32 years old, I would have felt like the new kid in junior high asking to sit at the cool kids' table. The ironic/funny thing is, in my work life, I have absolutely no trouble giving presentations to senior management, running meetings with outside business partners, or managing team members. In fact, most of my job depends on my abilities to mediate difficult situations, give presentations, and, basically, be a leader for my team.
So, I quickly whispered to my hubby, "this is why I need my best friend to live closer." And he just smiled and nodded. Because he understood how I felt the night we went to dance pictures. The stay-at-home moms huddled in a group, talking and laughing; sharing plans to meet for coffee and play dates, and there I was, still in my dress clothes from work, trying to get my girls' hair up and shoes on, as I had just rushed from a late meeting at the office. (And yes, I am a little jealous of stay at home moms :)!)
But as I sit here and write this tonight, I still wonder why I am so scared. And, yes, many of you can dive into childhood insecurities, but for the most part, I don't have many bad memories from growing up. Maybe joining a new group should be another New Year's resolution?
I hope everyone has a wonderful week!
Jean Anne
Friday, November 5, 2010
Baby Blessings
On Wednesday, my nephew experienced a miracle. At 10:17 a.m. he and his girlfriend welcomed a beautiful baby girl. And she is perfect in every way. She has gorgeous clear skin, blue eyes and just a ring of light fuzzy hair. She’s a good size and she has ten tiny fingers and ten tiny toes. The only problem is, she isn’t perfectly healthy.
Little LA (her initials) was born with a two chambered heart. My nephew (B) and his girlfriend (J) knew that LA would be born with a heart defect. They did not know, however, how severe the heart defect would be. They were told there was a possibility that LA would have to be rushed into surgery immediately upon birth and that she would need a series of open heart surgeries throughout her life. And B and J were presented with the decision of whether they wanted to keep the baby.
The decision to abort a baby is a huge one, no matter the circumstance. I personally am pro-life and believe that abortion is never a choice no matter the circumstances. But I also know that my view is not universally shared. And B and J were in a tough position. B and J had only known each other a few weeks when J got pregnant. They are young (in their mid-twenties) and both have respectable but low paying jobs. B was far away from family, and their support group was small. Having a baby was going to be hard enough. Having a baby with heart problems requiring multiple surgeries over the course of years. . . .well, you could see how someone who doesn’t share my view on abortion might have a decision to make.
But despite their personal struggles, B and J never waivered on their decision to have little LA. To my knowledge, they never considered abortion and they publicly put their trust in God to help them through this challenge. And God responded. Upon learning of B’s situation, B’s employer gave him a raise – and health insurance coverage. J found a place for the three of them to live, and got it all prepared for baby. Friends threw them a baby shower and B and J received all sorts of things that will make welcoming LA home a little bit easier.
And then, LA was born. Thankfully, things were not worst case scenario for LA. She did not need to be rushed into surgery upon birth, and B and J got to hold her. But she was not fine either. A few hours after she was born, B and J were informed that LA was going to be life-flighted from the hospital in Austin where she was born to a hospital in Dallas for surgery. B called home to Michigan, told his parents, and asked his mom to help him.
B’s request for support was both understandable and heart breaking. I know how much I rely on my parents just to get through my every day life. I can’t imagine how much I would lean on them in a truly life-or-death situation with a newborn baby. But B’s parents – my husband’s brother and sister-in-law – have had their own share of struggles in recent years. They truthfully could not afford to go support B or see their baby granddaughter, even if that meant they might not ever see her alive.
But God answered. When we learned about the seriousness of LA’s situation, my other sister-in-law K and I started planning. K offered up her car and some serious cash so that B’s parents could drive to Texas and see LA. Given the timing of things, however, there was no way that B’s parents could make it to Texas before the surgery. Unwilling to take the chance that something bad happen in surgery and have B’s parent miss their opportunity forever, I reached out to my friends and asked for help. And the shower of support was nothing less than miraculous.
A partner at my firm told a friend about LA, and the friend immediately offered a buddy pass on American Airlines to get B’s mom to Texas. My friend from college’s partner who works for Southwest (and travels extensively on his buddy passes) offered a buddy pass on Southwest. And my dear friend from sixth grade pulled out all the stops and offered me four buddy passes on Frontier – enough to get B’s mom, dad, brother and sister to Texas all before LA’s surgery on Thursday morning. And when she ran into a technical difficulty getting the tickets at 10 pm last night, she called one of her friends, who gave us his buddy passes, no questions asked.
To say I am touched by this outpouring of generosity from friends and strangers alike is an understatement. Even thinking about it now almost brings me to tears. None of the people who offered to help had ever met B or his parents, or in some cases, even me. They gave openly and without hesitation because they wanted to help. They did something amazing just because they could. They were the kind of people I hope I can someday be for someone else.
I believe that every baby is a blessing. LA’s birth was a reminder of that. She, of course, is a blessing in and of herself. But her birth was also a reminder that baby blessings grow up. And they aren’t any less special just because they become big blessings. Thank you to all of the friends, family and strangers to who volunteered to help bring my brother in law’s family together this week. Your generous giving brought light into a dark situation and truly was a blessing.
Karen
Little LA (her initials) was born with a two chambered heart. My nephew (B) and his girlfriend (J) knew that LA would be born with a heart defect. They did not know, however, how severe the heart defect would be. They were told there was a possibility that LA would have to be rushed into surgery immediately upon birth and that she would need a series of open heart surgeries throughout her life. And B and J were presented with the decision of whether they wanted to keep the baby.
The decision to abort a baby is a huge one, no matter the circumstance. I personally am pro-life and believe that abortion is never a choice no matter the circumstances. But I also know that my view is not universally shared. And B and J were in a tough position. B and J had only known each other a few weeks when J got pregnant. They are young (in their mid-twenties) and both have respectable but low paying jobs. B was far away from family, and their support group was small. Having a baby was going to be hard enough. Having a baby with heart problems requiring multiple surgeries over the course of years. . . .well, you could see how someone who doesn’t share my view on abortion might have a decision to make.
But despite their personal struggles, B and J never waivered on their decision to have little LA. To my knowledge, they never considered abortion and they publicly put their trust in God to help them through this challenge. And God responded. Upon learning of B’s situation, B’s employer gave him a raise – and health insurance coverage. J found a place for the three of them to live, and got it all prepared for baby. Friends threw them a baby shower and B and J received all sorts of things that will make welcoming LA home a little bit easier.
And then, LA was born. Thankfully, things were not worst case scenario for LA. She did not need to be rushed into surgery upon birth, and B and J got to hold her. But she was not fine either. A few hours after she was born, B and J were informed that LA was going to be life-flighted from the hospital in Austin where she was born to a hospital in Dallas for surgery. B called home to Michigan, told his parents, and asked his mom to help him.
B’s request for support was both understandable and heart breaking. I know how much I rely on my parents just to get through my every day life. I can’t imagine how much I would lean on them in a truly life-or-death situation with a newborn baby. But B’s parents – my husband’s brother and sister-in-law – have had their own share of struggles in recent years. They truthfully could not afford to go support B or see their baby granddaughter, even if that meant they might not ever see her alive.
But God answered. When we learned about the seriousness of LA’s situation, my other sister-in-law K and I started planning. K offered up her car and some serious cash so that B’s parents could drive to Texas and see LA. Given the timing of things, however, there was no way that B’s parents could make it to Texas before the surgery. Unwilling to take the chance that something bad happen in surgery and have B’s parent miss their opportunity forever, I reached out to my friends and asked for help. And the shower of support was nothing less than miraculous.
A partner at my firm told a friend about LA, and the friend immediately offered a buddy pass on American Airlines to get B’s mom to Texas. My friend from college’s partner who works for Southwest (and travels extensively on his buddy passes) offered a buddy pass on Southwest. And my dear friend from sixth grade pulled out all the stops and offered me four buddy passes on Frontier – enough to get B’s mom, dad, brother and sister to Texas all before LA’s surgery on Thursday morning. And when she ran into a technical difficulty getting the tickets at 10 pm last night, she called one of her friends, who gave us his buddy passes, no questions asked.
To say I am touched by this outpouring of generosity from friends and strangers alike is an understatement. Even thinking about it now almost brings me to tears. None of the people who offered to help had ever met B or his parents, or in some cases, even me. They gave openly and without hesitation because they wanted to help. They did something amazing just because they could. They were the kind of people I hope I can someday be for someone else.
I believe that every baby is a blessing. LA’s birth was a reminder of that. She, of course, is a blessing in and of herself. But her birth was also a reminder that baby blessings grow up. And they aren’t any less special just because they become big blessings. Thank you to all of the friends, family and strangers to who volunteered to help bring my brother in law’s family together this week. Your generous giving brought light into a dark situation and truly was a blessing.
Karen
Friday, October 15, 2010
Making the Better Choice
It's quarter to midnight and I got out of bed to write this because I’m so upset thinking about this that I can’t sleep. After an amazingly difficult week at work and barely seeing my kids, I took off early today to pick them up from daycare. Since the kids go to daycare at Husband’s work, I almost never do drop off or pick up, and having mommy at daycare is a big treat for all of us. But today, as I was walking out to the playground to pick up KJ, Husband stopped me and showed me the cubby and picture of a kid I’ll call Jackson.
“See this kid?” Husband asks me. I nod. “KJ said Jackson doesn’t like him. Apparently Jackson told him they weren’t friends.” Immediately, I go into momma bear protection mode. Who the heck is this kid and where does he get off telling KJ he doesn’t like him? KJ is an amazing, easy going little boy who wins over everybody he meets. I ask husband for more details about KJ’s statement, but KJ is three. It’s just one of those things he told Husband on the way into work one day. But my heart sinks.
Within thirty minutes of my daughter’s birth (and therefore while she was still screaming at the top of her little lungs), I apologized to Sweet Pea for one day having to endure junior high. But for some reason, I never considered that my son would face the same mean-spirited immaturity that seems to ooze out of junior high girls. And here he is dealing with it at three.
It’s not fair that at three years old the world is already divided into bullies and everyone else. Kids have their whole lives to learn about (and apparently inflict) hate and hurt. Why can’t they hold onto babyhood for a little while longer?
And it isn’t fair that at three years old my son has to learn that some people will hate just because they can. KJ is a likable, affable guy. I want him to have time to become comfortable with himself so that’s he’s confident in who he is when others start tearing him down.
But KJ is a surprising guy. Later this evening while getting ready for bed KJ brought up Jackson again. Husband asked KJ if he played with Jackson, and KJ responded no. And although the rest of his response wasn’t completely intelligible, KJ expressed something about how Jackson treats others and said “I make the better choice.”
To KJ – I can’t tell you how proud of you I am for making the better choice. At three, you have shown a self-confidence and maturity beyond your years. Treating others with respect and being true to who you are will always lead you on the right path in life. I pray that you will always have the strength and maturity to follow your heart the way you do today.
And to Jackson – Enjoy junior high, buddy. It's all down hill from there.
Karen
“See this kid?” Husband asks me. I nod. “KJ said Jackson doesn’t like him. Apparently Jackson told him they weren’t friends.” Immediately, I go into momma bear protection mode. Who the heck is this kid and where does he get off telling KJ he doesn’t like him? KJ is an amazing, easy going little boy who wins over everybody he meets. I ask husband for more details about KJ’s statement, but KJ is three. It’s just one of those things he told Husband on the way into work one day. But my heart sinks.
Within thirty minutes of my daughter’s birth (and therefore while she was still screaming at the top of her little lungs), I apologized to Sweet Pea for one day having to endure junior high. But for some reason, I never considered that my son would face the same mean-spirited immaturity that seems to ooze out of junior high girls. And here he is dealing with it at three.
It’s not fair that at three years old the world is already divided into bullies and everyone else. Kids have their whole lives to learn about (and apparently inflict) hate and hurt. Why can’t they hold onto babyhood for a little while longer?
And it isn’t fair that at three years old my son has to learn that some people will hate just because they can. KJ is a likable, affable guy. I want him to have time to become comfortable with himself so that’s he’s confident in who he is when others start tearing him down.
But KJ is a surprising guy. Later this evening while getting ready for bed KJ brought up Jackson again. Husband asked KJ if he played with Jackson, and KJ responded no. And although the rest of his response wasn’t completely intelligible, KJ expressed something about how Jackson treats others and said “I make the better choice.”
To KJ – I can’t tell you how proud of you I am for making the better choice. At three, you have shown a self-confidence and maturity beyond your years. Treating others with respect and being true to who you are will always lead you on the right path in life. I pray that you will always have the strength and maturity to follow your heart the way you do today.
And to Jackson – Enjoy junior high, buddy. It's all down hill from there.
Karen
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Helping Hands
I firmly believe that it takes a village to raise a child. As you will see from our posts, none of the three of us JD Moms do it alone. We have an army of spouses, grandparents, day care teachers and friends supporting us emotionally and physically every day. They are the people who move your car from the train parking lot at 2 a.m. when you are stuck at work on a project and your husband can’t leave the kids at home alone. They go with you and your sick kid to the hospital even though your kid has swine flu. They bring dinner to your family when you’ve been on trial for a week and your children are beginning to think that Lucky Charms are a food group. They are amazing.
It is truly these people’s tireless efforts and love for our children that allow a working mom to make it through the day. And they are all deserving of (and will get) their own posts singing their praises for their contributions to our children and our lives. We couldn’t do it without them.
But in the law firm setting, the working mom has few friends. The moment a woman announces she’s expecting work dries up and people treat you like you have the plague. And once you get back from actually having the baby it isn’t any better.
Of course, after you become a working mom there are people at law firms who pretend to understand. Heck, there are even law firms that label themselves “family friendly.” But when it comes right down to it, most partners don’t care if you are missing bedtime for the third night in a row or if you haven’t seen your children awake all week. They care about their clients, and they expect you to do whatever it takes to keep their clients happy. Including working all night long.
At my last firm, 4 o’clock projects with a “first-thing-in-the-morning” deadline were not uncommon. I’ve seen the sun rise from my old office more times that I can remember. That’s a part of Big Law. But when I had kids, spending the night in the office wasn’t a sacrifice I wanted to make anymore. I made every effort to work as much as possible in the office, go home for dinner, and then work like mad from home after the kids went to bed. But as every lawyer knows, there are some things that just can’t be done from home.
It was when I was faced with those projects that I came across the working mom’s most uncommon ally – the twenty something male associate. Unlike other working moms with whom I would commiserate, the twenty-something males would do more than sympathize with me when faced with a 4 p.m. stay-in-the-office project - they would offer to help. They’d offer to review a larger portion of the documents (and from time to time all of the documents) or manage the midnight electronic filing or draft the motion. They’d take on more responsibility so that I could go home and be with my kids.
And I’m not (too) embarrassed to admit I usually took them up on it. I worked at my old firm for seven years. I know that many of the “emergency” projects I was faced with were not true emergencies. I also knew that the associates who offered to help me were all smart, competent attorneys. And they truly “got” it. They understood that I wanted to go home to be with my kids, not to avoid work. Or they wanted more billable hours. Either way, they did more work so that I could be more mom. And I’m so grateful for that.
Brad, Matt and Simon gave me the greatest gift – more time with my kids. And in doing so, they also gave me hope for women in the profession. Women lawyers still have a long way to go to be equals in the profession. But with men like those three moving up the ranks, there’s hope for the next generation of women lawyers. If Sweet Pea grows up to be a lawyer, I hope she works for one of those guys.
Karen
It is truly these people’s tireless efforts and love for our children that allow a working mom to make it through the day. And they are all deserving of (and will get) their own posts singing their praises for their contributions to our children and our lives. We couldn’t do it without them.
But in the law firm setting, the working mom has few friends. The moment a woman announces she’s expecting work dries up and people treat you like you have the plague. And once you get back from actually having the baby it isn’t any better.
Of course, after you become a working mom there are people at law firms who pretend to understand. Heck, there are even law firms that label themselves “family friendly.” But when it comes right down to it, most partners don’t care if you are missing bedtime for the third night in a row or if you haven’t seen your children awake all week. They care about their clients, and they expect you to do whatever it takes to keep their clients happy. Including working all night long.
At my last firm, 4 o’clock projects with a “first-thing-in-the-morning” deadline were not uncommon. I’ve seen the sun rise from my old office more times that I can remember. That’s a part of Big Law. But when I had kids, spending the night in the office wasn’t a sacrifice I wanted to make anymore. I made every effort to work as much as possible in the office, go home for dinner, and then work like mad from home after the kids went to bed. But as every lawyer knows, there are some things that just can’t be done from home.
It was when I was faced with those projects that I came across the working mom’s most uncommon ally – the twenty something male associate. Unlike other working moms with whom I would commiserate, the twenty-something males would do more than sympathize with me when faced with a 4 p.m. stay-in-the-office project - they would offer to help. They’d offer to review a larger portion of the documents (and from time to time all of the documents) or manage the midnight electronic filing or draft the motion. They’d take on more responsibility so that I could go home and be with my kids.
And I’m not (too) embarrassed to admit I usually took them up on it. I worked at my old firm for seven years. I know that many of the “emergency” projects I was faced with were not true emergencies. I also knew that the associates who offered to help me were all smart, competent attorneys. And they truly “got” it. They understood that I wanted to go home to be with my kids, not to avoid work. Or they wanted more billable hours. Either way, they did more work so that I could be more mom. And I’m so grateful for that.
Brad, Matt and Simon gave me the greatest gift – more time with my kids. And in doing so, they also gave me hope for women in the profession. Women lawyers still have a long way to go to be equals in the profession. But with men like those three moving up the ranks, there’s hope for the next generation of women lawyers. If Sweet Pea grows up to be a lawyer, I hope she works for one of those guys.
Karen
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)