Wednesday, April 18, 2012

And you thought you were in control...

After hearing about a particularly frightening health scare of a friend and the grueling effect it had on her, I started thinking about how vulnerable we all really are.  As working moms, and as attorneys with clients who rely on us, we have to have things under control - all the time.  We have to be ready to deal with any situation, and do it in such a way that those who rely on us feel safe and protected.  And most of the time, we can pull it off...and we pull it off so many times that we really think we're in control.

But then, something happens - your dog bites your two-year old in the face, for example, and all of a sudden that illusion of having things under control flies out the window.  Your baby is screaming and blood is flowing, and your brain shuts down from the fear.  You realize you can do NOTHING to prevent what happened and you scramble to make up for whatever lapse in...something - attention, supervision, control -whatever (and honestly, maybe nothing)... caused this event to happen.  You race to the ER praying that the doctors can fix it, that there won't be any scarring, that she gets to keep her bottom lip...and as you wait, you obsess about what COULD have happened - what if it had been her eye...what if it's not just a cut, but an actual chunk out of her face, what if they can't fix it and she'll have a horrible scar forever.  And then, the worst, you have to set aside your own fear and worry and focus on keeping her calm...she screams so shrilly that it brings tears to your eyes and you know...there is absolutely nothing that I can do... 

The facade of control is gone...you are utterly helpless. When your children hurt, there's nothing that you wouldn't do to stop it and gain back that control. No bargain you wouldn't make with god to ensure your baby will be well. I am not a religious person, and at times I am jealous of those who can say "god's will be done" and rely on their faith to get them through. But the fact is, that no matter what happens, and I do thank any power that be that may be listening that I have not had a real tragedy in my life, there's a little face looking up at you, begging you with her eyes to make things all better.  So you have no choice but to put on the mask of resolve and self-assurance and again (appear to) get things under control.  

The best thing about having friends should be that you are never alone.  It's impossible to keep the front up forever and it is priceless to me to be surrounded by people to understand and sympathize, without judgment, when my mask of control shatters.  We're all in this together...

Christine
 

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