Settled

It is with a great weight lifted off my shoulders that I announce that my infamous trial, the trial that was to keep me away from my family for 8 weeks settled last week….[insert long exhale here]!

It was no big surprise to me that I would feel relieved at the sound of the plaintiff’s attorney uttering the now engraved words in my memory… “Your honor we have reached a settlement….”. In fact I was so happy about this my hands literally shooked. I shot out of my chair and raised my hands in the air in almost a touchdown like pose (I was in my office alone by the way in case you were wondering). The happiness that came over me was like none other I have felt in my career. After all, this trial tested me to my core. It made me question everything about…well EVERYTHING. It overwhelmed me, terrified me, depressed me. It was like the big elephant in the room the entire month of September…except this elephant was no Dumbo…he was mean, evil, and ready to crush me at any minute.

I’ve been a trial attorney for several years, so trials are nothing new to me. In fact, I love jury trials. But a trial, 2 ½ hours away from home, with 15 parties, over 1000 exhibits, hundreds of witnesses certainly was a new experience.

After our failed second mediation it began to hit me that like it or not I was about to try this case. Yes, the case that everyone said would never be tried was about to be tried. That's when my world came tumbling down...

It was a mixture of panic, fear, exhaustion, sadness….you name an emotion I had it. From how on earth can I be away from my kids that long, to have I done everything I need to do to properly defend my client??? Did I miss an important document, did I fail to do something, wait…how long do I have to be away from my kids???? The emotions were like 1000 voices in my head the whole month. I hadn’t felt this level of stress in nearly a decade.

It mounted from colleagues and friends around me…the “Oh, this is the life of a litigator Mandi, get used to it” voices turned my stomach in knots. It made me think…really? This is what I signed up for? This is going to be my life? And why are these people okay with this? Is there something wrong with me? I’m a working Mom attorney, am I just supposed to grin and bear this???

But the stress came hardest from the home front. My daughter starting telling everyone that I was “leaving her”. My son with his big blue eyes said “Mom, but you have to go to the pumpkin patch with me and my friends [field trip]...you're coming to that right???”. I couldn’t get the sound of L's voice and his typical “Mah” yell across the room whenever he needed me out of my head…what will he do when I’m not on the other end of that yell? I started to get very emotional about the fact I was leaving my family. I was incredibly anxious…I can’t be a night away from my family, how was I going to make this work? Sure I’ll drive back and forth, but the idea of dozens of tearful goodbyes and long car rides missing my kids made me as emotional as a Hallmark commercial.

Then the stress multiplied as the trial itself entered the equation…I had to figure out how to draft jury instructions, motions in limine, trial briefs, and comb through 1000’s of exhibits. I looked around at the 15 other parties…they all had teams of 2-4 attorneys working on this, but I was just me. I worked pretty much until 2:00 – 3:00 a.m. every night…well what did it matter, I couldn’t sleep anyway.

With the stress coming from everywhere so hard, I started to melt down. I found myself questioning myself, my career, everything. Did I really want a job that put me through this agony? Could I really be the Mom I am in this world? Should I throw in the towel? Could I really make it through this?

But then it happened…through all the stress I found myself actually doing what I didn’t think possible. I was doing what my emotional side was telling me couldn't be done. Before the trial settled I actually completed the infamous pre-trial order, drafted the jury instructions, figured out what exhibits I was objecting to. I did it, and didn’t miss a beat in my Mom life…well maybe half a step or two, but certainly not a beat.

So, like I said I wasn’t surprised at how ecstatic and excited I was when I heard we settled the case. But what did surprise me was a feeling I never thought I’d feel about the trial that was essentially evicting me from my life. Deep down, there was actually a part of myself a twinge disappointed. Now it was microscopic compared to the feeling that I didn’t have to leave my family, but it was there none the less.

And that feeling, that twinge… was exactly what I needed. It showed me that somewhere amidst all the lullabyes, boo boo kisses, dance Mom-ness, play dates, and bike rides, somewhere in me is an attorney. Even on the days I don’t think its there…it MUST be there. I saw that somewhere in me, buried under Mandi the Mom, was Mandi the attorney, and she must have been starting to get a little excited about tackling this case. And even though this feeling was small in comparison to my feelings of excitement and relief, it actually had a bigger effect on me. This feeling silenced all my questions about my career, all the “can I do this?” thoughts in my brain. I must be where I want to be. I am doing what I want to do. It made me feel…content, at peace, and well SETTLED.

Mandi

The Peanut Gallery

Last Monday, I told you about my monster 8 week trial. I wrote that blog two days before the case was set to mediate. It did not settle.

So, alas, I am embarking on what seems to be an impossible task for me, trying to get myself and my family ready for the horrible fall that awaits us.

Of course, after my announcement that the case did not settle to my family and friends, I have been met with a ton of comments from everyone…my “peanut gallery” if you will. Everyone seems to be weighing in on my recent news.  

However, I am finding that in addition to the allergy I have to actual peanuts, I am apparently allergic to peanut galleries as well, because all the chatter has driven me crazy. I thought talking about this trial with people would help me cope…well….nope.

Oh the peanut gallery. Now don’t get me wrong, some people have been amazing throughout this process, and I am certainly not intending to be ungrateful for the countless people who have listened to me complain about my work life lately. But still, I’m finding through this process that silence is golden.

The worst member of the Peanut Gallery is the lawyer himself/herself. When I tell a lawyer about the fall that lies ahead of me I am usually met with: “Oh, I have to do that all the time…(usually followed by a story or two of some great trial)”, “You’re a litigator, so this happens” or “Yeah, that stinks, but you’re used to it right?”  What I’m dying to say to these people when they say this to me (and in all honesty have actually said to a few) is…this may happen to YOU, this may be something YOU deal with as a litigator, but it doesn’t happen to ME.

See, it’s no surprise to you if you are a follower of my blog that I’m not a typical litigator. I love litigating, don’t get me wrong. My favorite place to be in my career is in front a jury…but my love for litigating doesn’t hold a candle to the love for my kids. I see myself first as Mom, and then as a litigator. So this means, that an 8 week out-of-town trial might be old hat for some litigators, but not me. I’m the litigator that’s out the door by 4:30 most days, the litigator who never misses a school event or time with her kids. I’m a Mom first, then attorney.  

In fact, contrary to what some members of the gallery may believe, I’ve never had to do what I am about to do before. Sure I’ve had out of town trials, but anything that lasts more than 1 night, I bring my kids with me. They have been to the smallest counties in Iowa, sitting with their Dad or my Mom waiting for me to finish up a deposition or try a case. In fact, when I say “trial” they say “What hotel are we staying at? Does it have a pool?”.

But, times have changed. J is in school. If this was last year, I would without hesitation move my kids with me for 8 weeks and find a way to hire child care out there. But alas I’m without that option.

What’s that saying… “There are a thousand ways to skin a cat” or something like that?? Well, there are a thousand ways to be a litigator, and so I wish our profession could see that just because you are a litigator does not mean litigating 2 month long trials away from home is something you are used to or want to do.

Then there are the “Why don’t you…” members of the gallery, the problem solvers of the group. “Why don’t you just commute each day to the trial?”, “Why don’t you just settle the case?” “Why don’t you just send another attorney to cover?”. These people come from the right place…but still I wish they could see it is simply not that easy. Although I would love to commute to this trial everyday, it simply isn’t possible. I live 2 ½ hours from the courthouse. The trial will most likely start promptly at 8:00 a.m. A trial is not like a deposition, there is no leeway for being late. Not only do you have to be there on time, you have to be there early to get things set up. And then you have to factor in possible construction, traffic jams, accidents. It’s just not possible. Sending someone else to do my duty also won’t work. I’ve lived and breathed this case for 2 years. Having someone come in at the 11^th hour simply would not work in a case of this magnitude. And settle the case? Well, I tried so hard at mediation I was barging into rooms with counsel trying to get it done. I’m apparently forefronting a new attitude in attorneys: “professionally desperate”.

Finally there are the “look on the bright side” members of the crowd; the ones trying to get me to find some sort of silver lining to this. “Think of the experience of it all Mandi….”; “You’ll finally get some alone time…”; “You can come home on the weekends”, etc. Well, although I wish I could see the glass as half-full in this situation, not only is it half-empty…its bone dry. This experience is not one I want at the expense of family time. I have never missed anything for my kids. Now with this trial I will miss out on fall field trips, bedtime lullabyes, dance classes, parent teacher conferences, Halloween parties, and the hardest to bear, Halloween itself. Alone time? Well, I’ve never been away from my kids for more than a night in their lives. I don’t like alone time. In fact, I always laugh how when Todd and I do get a way for the night, I look forward to actually being able to sleep in only to find myself wide awake at 6:00 a.m. anxious and excited to go back and get them. And yes, it is true I will be able to come home throughout the trial, but this just means I’ll have to endure 20 goodbye crying sessions instead of 1. A couple days with my kids is not enough for me, especially when I think about what chores will lie ahead of me after a week of leaving my kids with my husband!!

I’m finding through this experience, that the best thing I can do is to silence the peanut gallery, no matter how well intentioned they may be. The truth is, I’m the only one that is going to go through this. I’m the one that has to find a way. I know I’ll do it, I’ll come out of this, I’ll survive, and before too long this will be a distant memory. So peanut gallery…I think I’m “nutty” enough for all of us, so thank you so much, but I’ll take it here….

Mandi

My Labor filled Labor Day!

Happy Labor Day everyone! As much I would love to spend this blog discussing a fun family bbq or this beautiful “fall preview” weather, I only have one thing on my mind today. Yes, like most of you, I normally choose to spend my Labor day thinking about anything BUT labor, but alas work is at the forefront of my thoughts right now.

You may remember from my previous blogs that my work life has been taken over by a huge federal construction case. Although it started several months before I was even pregnant with L, I always think of him when I mention this case. I found out I was pregnant with him the morning before the site inspection, I sat in depositions for months pregnant, swollen, and upset that the 20 plus other attorneys involved in this case worked through lunch while I tried to munch quietly on a Nutri-grain bar to silence my “you’re starving your baby – guilt”. When I got into a heated cross examination, he would kick. Several of my co-counsel had a “How many times will Mandi leave the deposition to pee” count (yes with this subject matter even the attorneys need games to keep us awake). So, I have dubbed this case “L’s case” because everytime I look at L tottering around I am reminded just how long this case has been in my life.

L’s case is one of those “this will never be tried cases”. It’s massive, a dozen plus attorneys, to date over 600 exhibits, 100’s of depositions, 2 weeks of every month for the past year designated for depositions by the judge, legal expenses mounting every minute. It has its own home in my office, taking up a whole large filing cabinet and overflowing everywhere. It’s one of those cases that you think to yourself, there is no way this is going to be tried because people just won’t want to pay the money that goes with trying a case this large…

But the one thing L’s case has taught me is the law is anything but predictable.

Alas the case that “will never be tried” is being tried in just a little over a month. The trial was originally set for 4 weeks. The first time this trial was set (last year) my husband and I planned meticulously. Todd took his 2 week vacation during the scheduled trial to make life easier. We did everything we could to soften the blow of the upheaval of our life. We were ready. But then you know what happened right?? Yes, the case got continued. Todd and I were upset that we had planned our life around the case, and wasted vacation time. So, then came the trial date for October 2011. This time I said “Don’t’ worry about it” when Todd was scheduling his vacation… “There is no way its going to be tried, so we’re not going to do what we did last year”. So instead of planning, Todd took his vacation time this summer and we took a long overdue family getaway.

Yes, the lady of justice is laughing at me behind her blindfold now, because you guessed it…now the case is going to be tried. And we are flying by the seat of our pants on how we’re going to manage it.

And of course it got worse…A week ago we sat down with the judge and had a talk about the trial. The judge talked about the preparation to pull a jury away from their lives for 4 weeks. Suddenly the Plaintiff’s attorney interrupted: “Uhh, you’re honor, it may take 2 months to try this case”. [Cue the instant heart attack for me across the phone…2 months? 8 weeks?]

Now if this was in my local county, I wouldn’t be so nervous, but of course L’s case can’t be that easy. The case is set 2 ½ hours away from where I live. The Mom inside me wanted to speak up: “Excuse me your Honor, 8 weeks? I can’t be away from my kids for 8 weeks.” But of course the lawyer side of me sat in silence.

So now here I sit, with the very real prospect that in just about a month, I am going to have to try to find a way to try a 8 week trial 2 ½ hours away from my home. I have to find a way to prepare a multi-million dollar litigation, and still be Mommy.

After the settlement conference, during yet another deposition in the case, the attorneys sat around discussing the trial. Thankfully I was appearing at this deposition by phone, because my eyes were rolling nearly out of my eyes as the other attorneys laughed about living in a hotel for 2 months, eating nothing but pizza and fast food. It seemed their biggest concern was the mountain of work that would be waiting for them 2 months away from the office. Yes, in a room full of over a dozen attorneys I seemed to be the only one silently worried about being away from HOME, not the office.

My schedule isn’t like most people, I have to be home at night, because my husband works at night. And not just a regular night shift, a 6 pm to 6 am night shift. There is no way I can simply kiss my kids goodbye and live a hotel life for 8 weeks. I have trouble being away from them for 1 night, yet alone 8 weeks.

And of course this has to be happening during the fall, my favorite time of year. I can’t help but think of all the trips to the pumpkin patches, apple orchards, and other fall activities that may be missed.

Of course I am lucky in a lot of regards. I have a great support system. My Mom calmed my fears earlier this week with a “just name the days I have to take off work and I will” attitude. The insurance adjuster actually encouraged me to send an associate during some of the “off days” so as to save costs on the trial. But the problem is, how on earth do I decide what is an “off day” on a trial like this?

But there is one small beacon of hope in this mess of a tale. The case is going for a final mediation Tuesday and Wednesday of this week. Although most cases settle and so I should be excited about this mediation, I’m not. This case is a hard one to settle, and we aren’t even close. I have been crossing every body part I can and praying over and over for a settlement. And of course I have been working late into the night every night this weekend trying to be prepared and hoping for a miracle.

I know deep down, I’ll get through this even if the case doesn’t settle. I’ll make it work. As is most things in my life, the anticipation is always scarier than the actual reality. But still, the fear of the dramatic turns my life is going to take this fall has me completely on edge.

So here’s to hoping I can look back on this blog at the end of this week and laugh, knowing the case is settled, the bullet is dodged, and my fall will be completely normal. And here’s to hoping you are actually enjoying a “labor free” labor day!

Mandi