Rubber and Glue Lesson

As a Mom, you know it’s a given that you are going to have to teach your children many things…from potty training, to don’t run out in the street, to eat your veggies, to don’t talk to strangers. You are their teacher. You are shaping the way they view right and wrong. If you really sit down and think about it, that’s a huge responsibility. A much bigger responsibility than my Monday morning brain wants to grasp.

Now admittedly I’ve gotten off easy so far in my mother career. I mean the talks I’m having now with my children fail in comparison to the talks their teenage years are going to bring. But still, with each passing year the lessons get more complicated and much more important.

This weekend in the "Mandi Lesson Plan of Parenting" we had the lesson of “What to do when confronted with a name caller”, or the “I am rubber you are glue” lesson. This weekend I was out in my back yard enjoying the nice fall weather with my kids. We decided to rake all the leaves into a giant pile so the kids could do the standard fall tradition of jumping in the leaves. H and I started raking the leaves while Miss Diva J stood and “supervised”.

Our neighbor girls were out in their yard and called J over to the fence. I started to work my way along the fence line, because with these particular kids I keep a close watch considering they’ve done everything from showing my children a lighter to coaxing them into leaving their fenced in back yard without permission. The topic of the day was nothing new…J told them about the Elf on the Shelf that had arrived at her house and the girls wanted to see it. J told them she couldn’t bring him out and is the norm, the girls gave their typical “disobey your Mom” speech. “Come on J, just go get it. She won’t see you.” The battle of go do it-no I can’t went on for about 5 minutes.

Now J is wise beyond her years, and is always mindful of towing the line. She is smart enough to know that one minute of “ooh look at your elf” is not worth the risk of a punishment or disappointment from Mom and Dad. So I was proud to see her not back down.

The girls who obviously were fed up with J’s answer and angry with me for telling her she couldn’t bring him outside decided to turn their attention toward me…. “Well your Mom is fat.”

And there it was, the conversation just got interesting. Trust me, it’s not the fact that I was called a name by 5 year olds that made me extremely interested in this conversation. Yes, girls after three children and a busy working Mom life, I like most Mommies could stand to lose a few pounds….so yes you got me. But, I was really curious to see J’s reaction. This is the first time I was witnessing her being confronted with a name caller. How would she react??? Would she laugh, join in, walk away?

J didn’t seem too phased by the comment, probably because names are no stranger to these particular girls. J has had to listen to them call her brother stupid, her dog mean, and watch them call each other every name under the sun.

J had no clue how to react. She looked at me to see if I had heard the comment and probably secretly hoped she wouldn’t be found guilty by association. She made the typical nervous laugh that most kids make when in a setting like this. She had no clue what to do.

When we came inside I sat J down. It was time for a lesson. I wanted to make sure that if she was put in this situation again, she’d not have the blank stare and laugh reaction. We walked inside. “I didn’t say anything.” she said to me.

I told J I knew she wasn’t the name caller, but I wanted her to know that as the receiver of the information she could hurt people’s feelings as well depending on her reaction. So I started in on the lesson…a lesson in dealing with name callers, bullies, and not-so-nice kids. The look in my daughter’s eyes was a bit heart breaking. It was as if it was sort of her first “life is not a fairy tale” talk. I mean come on…no one told Cinderella she was stupid, or Sleeping Beauty that she should hit the treadmill. I explained to J that it was important not to laugh when someone is called a name, because next time it might be a kid on the playground who would be hurt by the comment.

I’m not sure I truly got through to her…I mean how much can you really get through to a 5 year old that has never been called anything negative before. I gave her all the typical stuff…the “I am rubber you are glue” / “Sticks and stones”/ God made all of us different speech. I’m sure I sounded like I was a defense attorney retained by all the bullied kids in America. The blank look in her protected eyes showed me that this is one lesson she is going to have to learn through experience. I can say anything I want, but until she is on the other side of a name calling, I don’t know if she’ll ever truly understand.

So can I please go back to the years of teaching my kids about sunshine and butterflies? The fact that this lesson was hard for me to teach shows me that I have my work cut out for me in the next 15 plus years. (Sigh).

Mandi

Love of Learning

My girls love to try new things. Well, let me clarify; they love to try new activities. (Trying new foods is not top of their list of things to do!). This summer we have added soccer to the mix and a trip to the beach! 

Additionally (and luckily), most museums currently have highly interactive demonstrations or displays. A & B love to test out new gadgets, games and building crafts. And any place with animals is sure to be a winner (even the reptile house!).

I want to continue this love of learning and/or experimentation. When I was much younger, my family would travel to all kinds of museums, historical sites and new places. I loved seeing the USS North Carolina or petting a porcupine (front to back). And I am currently hooked on watching the Decorah eagles.

But what about activities that don’t enthrall them? Keeping the attention span of a 4 year old can be very difficult. How do I keep them involved? Especially, if it something I know they will like after a few minutes.

And because I always try to offer full disclosure, how do I keep myself enthralled? I have to take certain educational classes every year for work that I just have no desire to complete. How can I set a good example for my kids, if I have the same issues?

Thanks for your thoughts! Have a great Monday!

Jean Anne

The Bully

On the day my daughter came home telling me a little kid called her “Bossy”, I knew it was time to teach my children about people I wish they never had to deal with…bullies. So I started giving them my guide to dealing with bullies. I told them the text book, "right thing" theory on bullies: Don’t pay attention to them, just ignore them, walk away, and never go down to their level. Little did I know I would have to heed my own advice this week…

As an attorney, I have a reputation of killing them with kindness. I am always good to my fellow attorneys because I have found that if you are nice to your colleagues they will be nice to you when you need it. So far in my career my professional courtesies have done well for me. I have avoided Motion to Compels, gotten in last minute evidence, and have no problem rescheduling hearings and depositions for family commitments.

This week I had to take a plaintiff's deposition. The plaintiff’s attorney was a young attorney, fresh out of law school, who I had come across only a couple of times. Normally new attorneys are overly nice to older attorneys because they are trying to form their reputation…well not so with this particular attorney.

In my plaintiff’s depositions I usually follow the same script, go through the background, injury, a little bit of medical history…it's usually one of the easiest and most enjoyable tasks I do as a litigator. But, this deposition was different, compliments of the bully across the table. After pretty much every question that left my mouth, he fired objections…

Me: “Now when did you first notice pain in your neck”.
Him: “Objection. Vague. I mean can you clarify pain?”

Really? I have to clarify what pain is for a personal injury plaintiff whose whole case is based on the fact that they felt pain? I tried to keep calm and not get thrown off my deposition game plan, but the objections continued….

Me: “Did you ever have pain in your neck before the accident”
Him: “Objection. Vague, can you define before?”

Now as a Mom to three children, including one H, I have learned a great deal of patience. It honestly takes a lot for me to get angry. And I’ve dealt with my share of jerk attorneys in my career, so I am usually pretty good about navigating around them. But a Plaintiff’s deposition that normally takes 45 minutes was bordering on the 2 hour mark due to the interruptions.

Me: “At your prior job, what were your duties?”
Him: “Objection. Vague. I mean what do you mean by duties?”
Me: “What did you do at your last job?”
Him: “Same objection. I mean what do you mean by what did you do?”

Oh come on. Really? Each objection seemed more ridiculous than the next. I could feel my face getting hot, which is always something I hate that happens to me when I get angry. The last thing I wanted to appear like was a beaten down female attorney who was getting flushed in the face.

I kept going. The fight continued. I kept my cool for the most part although I occasionally fell into his argument traps. The deposition finally concluded. The bully went down the hall, beaming with pride thinking he had beaten a fellow attorney to a pulp. I looked at the court reporter who rolled her eyes at his behavior. I just smiled, loaded my bag and said “I just don’t practice law that way”.

I walked away knowing that I had taken the high road and not gone down to his level. But unfortunately, not sinking to his level actually made me feel worse. The fighter bone in me that all attorneys have was yelling: “You just got beaten down…by a rookie attorney…and you let it happen”. Then came the couldas, shouldas, wouldas. I could have dosed it right back at him in his cross, I should of not responded that way on the record when he fought with me, I wish I would have said this or that. It hit me as I drove away that taking the high road, even though it’s the right thing to do, is definitely not the easiest thing to do. And well frankly, it can make you feel like crap.

That night at dinner, my daughter asked me about my day. I said “Oh, Mommy dealt with a real bully today”. H, piped up from his macaroni and cheese… “Did you walk away Momma?” “Yes, H, I did…and you know what?”. I intended to go into a deep story and dispense the lesson of how it’s not easy to do the right thing, and even though it may make you feel bad afterwards doesn’t mean it wasn’t the right thing to do. But, as I looked into their innocent eyes, eyes that have never laid eyes on a true bully, never been in a fight…I realized there was no way they could understand this now. So I stopped and changed the subject to a game of “Who can find the Scooby Doo shape in their Mac and Cheese”. We’ll just save this lesson for another day.

Mandi