Lesson in Loyalty

Loyalty is not a word you will find used favorably in the law. It's a virtue the law tries hard to ignore.  To the law loyalty is the obnoxious cousin the law tries to pretend is not part of the family.

This is probably because disloyalty is the favorite son of the law, the trophy child who gets all the attention. I mean think about it, most (if not all) lawsuits are based on some disloyal person being, well, disloyal. The divorce from an unfaithful spouse, the breach of contract, the covenant not to compete that gets ignored, the trademark infringement.  And don’t even get me started on “hand shake” agreements. If I had a dime for every time I have been in court over a "hand shake agreement", I’d be sitting on some island drinking an icy beverage right now.

And of course this world of the un-loyal permeates off the case books into our law firms. Don’t believe me? Just google search “mommy-tracked” or something like that. Most attorneys feel like loyalty doesn't exist in a law firm. Many attorneys feel they have been cheated or treated poorly without regard to how long they have been at a firm. Partners in law firms are stereotyped (often rightfully so) for advancing people based on hours only, with no consideration for loyalty to the person billing those hours. Associates often are job searching while working at their firms eager to find the next higher paying job.

As a defense attorney, my job is to defend the people who are accused of being anything but loyal. Dealing with all this un-loyalty can cause one to become a little cynical. It's happened to me too. I am starting to wonder if loyalty is just a dead art, something long forgotten in this world of selfish gain.

Well, yesterday thanks to my son, I was reminded that loyalty is still very much alive...  

A couple nights ago I was doing laundry (I know...big shock right?). I took out a load of laundry and started to fold it. I went to pull out L’s light blue puppy dog pajamas. As I lifted it up to fold it, I noticed that one sleeve had been cut off. The cut was jagged. I showed Todd: “Look at this, do you think it got caught in the dryer?” Todd smiled and said “Nope, looks like someone  got a hold of some scissors”. I looked at the cut trying to figure out if it was possible for the kids to cut through the light fabric with the only scissors they could potentially have gotten a hold of: the plastic safety scissors in their art boxes.

And thus started the “Who cut the Puppy Jammies” Mystery. The mystery had a bit of urgency to it, as both Todd and I had a fear the kids had somehow gotten a hold of regular scissors. Of course always giving our kids the benefit of the doubt we first started with our washer and dryer to make sure the sleeve hadn’t gotten stuck somehow. No sleeve.

The next day I decided it was time to interrogate the two prime suspects: H and J. Of course as every good child interrogator knows, the first step is to change your tone into a happy, calm “no one is in trouble tone”. I started with my daughter. “J, did you cut this sleeve?” J sat for a minute looking at the sleeve and adamantly denied any involvement. Todd chimed in: “Come on J, did you do it?”. Normally, J is easily cracked so when she stuck to her “No” after a few minutes I was pretty sure she was in the clear. That left H. H had an uphill battle already in this interrogation considering his prior “criminal history” in our house including involvement in such famous crimes as: “Who stole all the straws off the Capri Suns” caper, and the “Who stuck Uno cards in the DVD player” fiasco. But, still, the lawyer in me knew he deserved a fair “trial”.

            “H, did YOU cut L’s sleeve?”

            “Nooooooo."

He stuck with his no’s in the same fashion as his sister. Todd, not having the patience in interrogating that I do, started to get a little annoyed: “Come on, one of you did it, and whoever did it is not having scissors anymore”. Todd walked off to see if he could find the sleeve in their room, some sort of clue into the culprit's identity. 

Todd and I were fairly certain it was J, considering her love of art, her wish to be a fashion designer, and the fact she is usually the one with the safety scissors. So we kept asking her questions trying to get her confession and trying to find out if somehow she had gotten sharper scissors that we needed to get out of her room. She kept saying no, and started to whine and cry at the repeated questions. H stood watching.

I sat there playing with L, J "fled the scene" off to the other room, and Todd was hunting for evidence, the sleeve, the scissors, anything.  Suddenly, I looked up and there was H, hanging his head low, trying not to make eye contact with me.

 “Momma” he said in his soft sad tone “Momma I did it. I cut the sleeve”.

The lawyer in me got excited for the confession. J came around the corner to find out what had happened. She stood there quiet and watched as H was “booked” for the crime. Booking in our house usually means a short lecture of “We don’t do that” followed by a time out or taking away of some privilege. H stood there during his booking, again not making eye contact. He walked upstairs ready to take his time out. You could see on his face, he felt bad. “Why did you do that H? Where did you get scissors? Can you show me the scissors you used?” I asked. All he said was “I did it".

Through the threats of never having scissors again from Todd, and the look of disappointment from me, H took it all. But as the minutes passed, H’s story started to have some “kinks”. Todd demanded to know from the culprit where the sleeve was. H said “It’s under my bed”, nope not there. “It’s in that corner”, nope not there.

About 5 minutes passed of H being in the hot seat. Suddenly J  came up to me with a look of guilt on her face. I could just tell what the look meant. “J, you did it didn’t you?” I said. J shook her head yes. Yep, she did it, and she let her brother take the heat until her conscience caught up with her relief of getting off the hook.

This whole thing took about 10 minutes, but in that short time I learned a valuable lesson. There was H, at just 3 years old, taking the heat for his sister. Without being asked to he took the punishment, and sat there for a few minutes probably thinking he would never again own scissors in his life. But through it all , he stood loyal to his sister, even though I am pretty sure she would not have done the same. A sister who when he blinks wrong will come and "turn him in" to Todd and I. Now if that's not true loyalty, I don't know what is.

Needless to say, H did not get punished for the scissor incident. Instead I came up to him and gave him a hug. His loyalty for his sister was much more important to me than some footsie doggy jammies.

Mandi

 

Do what you will, always

Walk where you like, your steps

Do as you please, I'll back you up

-Dave Matthews

Sooo Big

This weekend was an emotional one for me.  Husband and I finally took a day and did something we've been talking and thinking about for months: we bought Sweet Pea a big girl bed.  Sweet Pea has been ready for a big girl bed for months.  But because Sweet Pea wasn't our first child, there wasn't just an extra bedroom and furniture waiting around for her to move into.  Transitioning Sweet Pea to a big girl bed meant a bunch of serious considerations on Husband and my part.  Like, do we give up the guest room or take down the nursery?  Do we repaint?  What kind of furniture should be buy KJ?  And, how much sleep would we lose if we just put a mattress in KJ's room and put off the decision even longer? 

I have no qualms with putting my mixed gendered kids in the same bedroom.  I think the kids would love it and have a good time.  But that's the problem.  I don't think they'd actually go to sleep.  Plus, if both kids shared a room, we'd have two essentially unused rooms: the nursery and the guest bedroom.  It seemed ridiculous to leave two rooms unused just so that I wouldn't have to decide between the nursery and the guest room.  So we sucked it up and made a plan. 

We're moving Sweet Pea to the guest room.  The guest room has always been my favorite room in the house, but I am just not ready to give up the nursery yet.  Having a nursery means that I haven't yet closed off the possibility of more children.  And I like having that option.  But that means bye-bye guest room.  And it means the days of my children waking up to their visiting grandparents in the room next door are over too.  I'm a little sad about that.  But I'm hopeful we'll be able to make something work when it comes time for grandparent visits.  After all, in just a year or two KJ will think "camping out" in the basement is the coolest thing ever, and that will free up a bed. 

Location decided, we then had to go buy furniture.  I've been looking at furniture for months.  Literally.  When we were little, my mom bought us all a nice set of furniture for our rooms.  And now that we are all adults, we each have that furniture in our own homes.  I wanted to do something similar for my kids.  While I think IKEA is fine for some things, I wanted my kids to have bedroom furniture that would fit them always.  But few places sell solid-wood furniture any more.  And even fewer sell twin beds.  After all, most people  just convert their cribs.  Ever the rebels, however, we bought a (now banned) drop side crib, that obviously doesn't convert.  So we had to buy everything - and we had to buy it for KJ, since he was currently using my furniture from when I was a girl that was to go to Sweet Pea. 

To me, buying lifetime furniture for a boy is like picking a name for a boy (although admittedly much less important).  You have to pick something that fits the boy now, but will still fit him 10 years from now, when he's more of a man. Something that isn't too baby but isn't too big.  It's a difficult balance to find.  Thankfully, my months of searching paid off and I found a nice, solid wood set made in the U.S.  On Saturday, we ordered it. 

And then we went to buy Sweet Pea her bed.  Buying the bed was easy - we went to the local mattress place and picked out a mattress and box spring very similar to KJ's.  The kids ran around the store throwing Serta sheep the salesman kindly gave them.  And on Thursday, we can go pick it up (we wanted a low profile box spring which had to be ordered).  Everything is pretty close to ready for the big transition. 

Except me.  There have been a lot of times already in my kids' lives where I wished I could freeze time and keep them the way they are.  But I've never wanted it more than right now.  KJ is just so amazing.  He's funny and smart and learning so much every day.  He helps his sister and is the best problem solver.  And while he still has some babyish tantrums, we're able to reason with him, and leave him a decision.  More often than not, he makes the mature decision and follows what we say.  I'm so impressed with him.  And Sweet Pea is just adorable.  She's giggly and cute and so strong willed.  Sweet Pea has always had a personality on her, but now it just shines through.  She loves thoroughly and knows what she wants.  And she doesn't take no for an answer.  She's the perfect girl for me.  And I want them to stay just.the.way.they.are. 

But of course they won't.  This weekend's shopping spree was fact enough that in 8-10 weeks, both kids will have different bedrooms and the nursery will be empty.  I'm happy that they are growing and developing.  And I know how lucky we are that they are well.  But boy, I do wish it wasn't going by quite so fast.  Thank God for the 8-10 week delivery time.  Maybe by then I'll convince myself that I'm ready for this. 

Karen

Roommates

My family and I live in our starter house that Todd and I bought when I was pregnant with J. It’s a great house, but we have outgrown it. The house has 3 bedrooms, and so two of our kids have to share.

Sharing a room of course is not a problem in and of itself. But, the problem is my birth order does not lend itself to easy room sharing. J is my only girl. She and my first son H are 15 months apart. They do everything together, they go to bed at the same time, they have the same bedtime routine, they are true sidekicks. But, they are a boy and a girl, and so when I found out I was pregnant with L, a boy, without even thinking about it, I made a room for the boys to share based solely on my old way of thinking that boys had to room with boys.

But unfortunately for me, this archaic way of thinking does not lend itself to real life. Placing a newborn and a 3 year old in a room together does not work. When L was younger his late night feedings would disturb H. Luckily for H, L began to sleep through the night at around 3 months old. BUT, L’s sleeping through the night was contingent on one thing: COMPLETE SILENCE. Yes, L is the greatest baby in the world, but he has one vice….he is a light sleeper. I have yet to figure out how the youngest child (a daycare kid) with two loud toddler siblings becomes a light sleeper. L’s bedtime is 7:30. H goes to bed at 8:30. So every night at 8:30 I would open the door to put H to bed and L would wake up. Problem is once he was up, I could kiss the sleeping through the night goodbye!

But we continued on with our rooming plan. As sheer exhaustion took over after late nights with the light sleeper we started to just let H sleep on the floor of his sister’s room. This of course raised the question of whether H should have a new roommate.

Now I am very liberal and try to be a modern thinker, but for some reason I just couldn’t get my mind around letting my son and daughter share a space. J is the poster child of girly girls. H is a spunky little boy. They can’t share a room. They would lose their personalities right? As the months passed, I started talking to people about the kids sharing a room. Of course I made the mistake of talking to older people, who said “But J is such a princess, you don’t want her to lose that. Just wait it out. L will outgrow this stage”.

But L didn’t outgrow it, in fact if only got worse. Little Light Sleeper would hear the smallest of ankle cracks as H and I tried Mission Impossible style to make it into his toddler bed. I even went as far as holding my breath when I would tip toe in with H.

Okay, so obviously this wasn’t working. But as you probably can tell from reading my blogs, I’m a notorious over-analyzer, so I had to research this before we made the move. I’m almost embarrassed to admit it but I, a woman with a law degree, spent my evenings typing “Problems with co-ed rooming” or “Can a sister and brother share a room?” into a search engine. Did I actually think I would find some doctor who would say: “Yes, Mandi if you do this your kids will need therapy for the rest of their lives”??

Well, of course I didn’t find that, in fact I found the opposite. Due to the economy and downsizing, co-ed rooming is becoming the norm. In fact all my favorite stores have gender neutral bedding and tips for sharing spaces.

So it took my mind a little time to catch up, but I realized I was being stupid. My kids personalities have nothing to do with their bedrooms. I decided it was time for J and H to room together.

So my concerned parent personality left and my interior designer persona stepped in. How on earth was I going to pull off a dual space and keep the two strong personalities that I love in perfect harmony???

I started by interviewing my new decorating clients over cookies and milk. J was more than willing to share her space, as H was in her room most nights anyway and she hated that I (when she was a baby) painted her walls purple when I should have known pink was her favorite color. But, the Diva had 4 conditions: (1) She had to have hot pink on her side with a Barbie Fashion Fairytale theme. (2) She wanted the larger side, i.e. the side away from the door, with room for a makeup and dress up nook, (3) Her new roommate could not have any scary monsters on his side and (4) She would, under no circumstances, share her beloved closet. H was by far the easiest client as he agreed to all the conditions and just had one request: he wanted a big bed (twin bed) like his sister. Of course after months of making him sleep on a small crib mattress on the floor of his own house I was more than willing to make this purchase.

I scrolled my beloved decorating websites and magazines thinking of a way I could join the room. I’m sure this goes without saying, but I love decorating. My goal in my house is to always make it look like a Pottery Barn Catalog, so the idea of just throwing the room together was not an option for my HGTV-loving mind. I had to figure out how to make Barbie and Superman live in perfect harmony.

I decided the walls needed to be changed from their girly purple to a neutral color. There was no way I could paint the bright colors they both wanted on the walls and have them look good together. I chose a silvery gray that I thought would blend both of the personalities. But then I remembered my clients’ requests for color and I still needed something cohesive in the room that would make it make sense. I stumbled upon a picture on a website that gave me the perfect idea. Polka Dot vinyl rub ons! So, the walls were given their fresh paint coat and hopefully in 5-7 business days they will be adorned with hot pink, black and white polka dots on J’s side, and blue, black, and white on H’s side.

The room is still in progress, but my clients are happily moved in. H ended up choosing a space theme, and J is still awaiting her Barbie bedding. They’ve been sleeping in their new room a couple of nights now and for the first time in a long time H sleeps through the night knowing he can roll over without disturbing his roommate (who could sleep through a train rolling through our house). My household is now back to perfect harmony.

I have learned a valuable lesson from all of this: just do what is easy. It works every time!

Mandi